Drucilla

Aaron always told me that a girl will never hesitate to turn her back on you when a cock is involved.

I always laughed it off.  He's overly cynical.  My female friends are not those kinds of girls.  They don't do things like that.

No, he was right.

I haven't posted a picture of myself on here in ages.
( nsfw )

He sent me a message that was the link to the music video for "Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)" by Cinderella.  I was incredibly unimpressed.  Eventually countered with a Bob Dylan's "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright".  Unfortunately got into the most pointless, hopeless and circular argument with him later that night (which only served to further reinforce every reason why I left).  Chastised myself severely.  Have avowed to ignore any further attempts at communication.

Am going to go listen to Journey.

I sometimes feel as though I am only masquerading as a girl and am actually something else.  I don't know what.  There's always been this confusion with words.  The word "woman" makes me uncomfortable and I could never apply it to myself.  Technically I am a woman.  Adult and biologically female.  But I do not relate this word to myself.

Perhaps it is merely my relative youth.  "Girl" doesn't bother me.  But there is this idea, this thing, around "woman" which I do not identify with.  I don't get it, I don't understand it.  What it is to be a woman is lost on me.

"Girl" is closer to "child".  Child is genderless.

I have always felt a sort of vague detachment from my body.  Obviously I'm not uncomfortable with it - I consider myself attractive and am generally content with my figure.  At the same time, I feel as though I could just as easily do without it.  This could be part of why I've never had any hesitance to show off my body as a means to make money.  It is attached to me, and yet somehow not.  I have no problem with inhabiting this body but I feel as though I could just as well have a different one.  A male one.

How much is your physical body attached to your identity?

Certainly my possession of this body and this face has affected my experiences because of the way others see me and respond to my appearance.  But how much has this shaped me?  How different would I really be, right now, if I had been given a different body?

I feel that I am merely a person in a female body.  I don't think I'll ever be a woman.  I don't know what this makes me.

We were walking through the dark back to his house.  As we made our way down the block a movement caught our eye - the shape of a creature mounting the curb and crossing the sidewalk ahead of us.  The shape was irregular and we couldn't make out what it was, so we continued on to investigate.

We walked to the yard the creature had entered and looked in.  A first glance we saw a family of raccoons who were slowly backing away from us.  Then we saw something in the grass.

After some moments of concern we realized what had happened.


The shape we'd seen was that of the mother and father carrying their kit off the road after it had been hit by a car.  The mother laid her baby on the grass of the nearest lawn and her mate and their two children made a circle around its body.


I checked the baby for a heartbeat but it was gone.

Spring is never easy.  We all come out of hibernation but it's too much for us and we're maudlin and needy and we cling to each other and pretend like everything's fine but we know it's not.  I've said it all before to you so many times but I know I'll end up saying it all again because I just can't help myself.  When I'm by myself at night and the neighbours are quiet the words stick in my brain like they always have and I know it's only a matter of time before I find myself whispering it all to you again in the dark even though you already know and it won't change anything.

I could never hold up my end of the bargain anyway because I'm such a slut and I love too hard and other people are like drugs and I have problem with addiction.  Somehow things are different at night.  You've heard it all before but sometimes you still ask me to repeat myself.

I remember.

This is something of an extension to a post I made earlier.  There's been a lot on my tumblr dash about rape culture lately and the Slutwalk is this weekend so I guess this stuff is on a lot of peoples' minds these days.

I've always really enjoyed clothes and getting dressed up and playing with makeup.  I think perhaps I was more resilient when I was younger because in the last couple years I've found myself more and more dressing down, wearing little makeup, hiding myself.  I know that being "alternative" one tends to attract more attention as a matter of course, but I happen to be alternative and female.

People will say that I shouldn't get upset over the male attention because at least it's complimentary.  I don't see how that matters.  The fact is I don't want men yelling at me on the street or approaching me at the bus stop or hitting on me at work.  I want to be left alone.  I want to be able to go to work and walk to the train and do my shopping without someone trying to solicit me for my attention.

The alternative is to be invisible.  Wardrobe choices are evaluated based on how much I like it vs. how much attention I'm going to attract in it.

I don't wear skirts and heels anymore.  I barely wear makeup.  Most of the time I wear a knee-length skirt with sneakers and a hoodie.  I still do attract some undesired attention but it's much less than it was.

Have you ever had a complete stranger sit down beside you on the bus and start telling you that you're beautiful and he wants your phone number and by the way he'd really like to come home with you?  It's not flattering.  It doesn't make you feel good about yourself.  Actually it makes you feel incredibly anxious and awkward and you try and find the quickest possible exit.

The other day I actually did get dressed up to go on a date and while I was waiting for the bus a guy pulled over and asked if I wanted a ride.  It was 11pm and I was on a busy street that is never frequented by prostitutes.   I was wearing a skirt and 3 inch heels.

This happens all the time.

I'm not saying that the same doesn't happen to non-females.  Just the other day a friend of mine was stuck in traffic driving into town and got propositioned by the trucker in the next lane.  He was horrified.

I could choose to just look how I want and ignore the men as best I can.  At this point, though, I feel like it's better to be invisible.

Edit:  It is much more rare for a woman to yell at me on the street but it does happen and it bothers me just as much.  To my knowledge I have never received any unwanted attention from a trans person.

Nobody has yet identified the source of my tattoo.

I'm disappointed in you, internet.

“Why do strange men think I care about their opinion of my appearance? Do they think I’ll be flattered if they approach me out of the blue and offer their unsolicited opinion as I stand in line, listening to my iPod and minding my own business? Why didn’t I have some witty rejoinder – “and you’re invading my personal space” – ready in time, to make it clear that I wasn’t interested in his input? Most of all, why, why, do strange men think they’re allowed to touch me?”

—	Chloe Angyal